What if the Barclays Premier League (BPL) became a fashion contest?

Saturday, August 17th, 2013

Hooray for the start of the new BPL season! BPL 2013-2014 will begin with the kick-off at Anfield (Liverpool vs Stoke City), followed by six other matches for tonight. I look forward to supporting Manchester United of course…though with Man Utd traditionally a slow-starter, I’ll be pleased with a point against Swansea later tonight.

As this point, there’s plenty of prediction on who’s going to win the League (Man Utd, Chelsea and Man City the usual suspects) and who’s going to get relegated (hard to say, but I’m looking at Cardiff as the prime candidate!). Now, let’s look at the prediction in a very different way. In fact, let’s turn the competition concept upside down. Don’t look at the strength of each club squad. Forget how the teams performed last season or even from 1992 onwards. Just assume God transformed the whole love of the game into something…else.

Imagine “Project Runway” took over BPL. You wouldn’t be seeing Robin Van Persie smashing the ball onto the net. You’ll see him walk, but not on the field…he’s on the catwalk instead. Proudly wearing the latest Manchester United home kit by Nike as he do the walk.

Certainly not too hard for the alpha males to imagine!

Ok enough merry-go-around. To put in short, whichever team that has the nicest looking kits for the 2013-2014 season will win the league…and the ugliest ones to be relegated.

Now that the idea is in place, how the 20 teams perform in this interesting scenario? Which club has the classic, collector-will-buy kit? And which fans will have to tolerate the insults of their team’s rubbish jersey?

(Ranking is based on 0 to 10 scale, 10 being the best and 0 being simply crap. If the total score from Home and Away kit is the same for two teams or more, the tie breaker will be on the Goalkeeper kit. As for the judging criteria, it will be characterized by originality, creativity, and presentation.)

Note: All of the rating as simply based on my opinion after all. No need to get angry over my decision OK?

Arsenal:

Home kit:

RVP, when we all thought he was to continue playing with the Gunners or head to La Liga. Heh.

It’s the same kit as last year. Which is good for me. I still like the red and blue strips on the sleeves. (7)

Away kit:

Yellow was never really my favourite, but I like the the ‘Invincibles’ of 2003/04 tribute for this one. Nice pick by Nike before Arsenal takes on PUMA next year. (6.5)

Aston Villa:

Home Kit:

I like the collar very much. Quite unique I must say. (7.5)

Away Kit:

Interesting colours, and I like the chess-board inspired look (since the “Pawn” nickname came from chess). (7.5)

Cardiff:

Home Kit:

YUCK. I hate this PUMA template, and I hate the two-tone red colour at the top. I know the owner’s Malaysian Chinese and he changed the original home colours to red for the Chinese “Good Luck” thing…but I feel so sorry for the “Bluebirds”. (2)

Away kit:

So…lifeless. So…boring. If it’s blue (the real home kit!) as the 2nd kit then the marks will be better…but since this contest does not count the 3rd kit, and yellow was used in their pre-season first, I shall take the yellow as the 2nd kit. You wouldn’t see my futsal friends wearing this for our matches. (2)

Chelsea:

Home Kit:

Nice! Even though I admit I like last season’s better, but this is a great! Simple yet the V-neck and the trims on the kit make it classy. (10)

Away Kit:

FANTASTIC!  If I am a fan of Chelsea I’ll get this without a second thought. It definitely has some clean yet retro coolness to it. (10)

Crystal Palace

Home Kit:

Hello Barcelona! And the nice Barcelona template of 2008/09 too, not the “Powerpoint” version! Take note the kit maker “Avec”‘s logo is at the bottom left of the shirt. (9)

Away Kit:

Sponsor on top left, River Plate inspired diagonal down…that’s a good combo! (8)

Everton:

Home Kit:

Certainly not their best home kit. Not very inspirational. I miss their time at Le Coq Sportif. (6)

Away Kit:

What the…too much blue for an away kit to start! This is the Arsenal away kit done wrong! (4)

Fulham:

Home Kit:

Can’t quite go wrong with these colours and style. I personally like the new sponsor’s logo. (7)

Away Kit:

I know it was designed as a tribute to the 2001 team that took a record 101 points in Division One, but I didn’t like the extra red at lower sleeves. (6.5)

Hull:

Home Kit:

I struggled to like this adidas template in general, so it’s just fine for me. (6)

Away Kit:

Seems unexciting to me. I don’t have much to say about this one. (5)

Liverpool:

Home Kit:

Whoa, now that’s a great modern-retro look! I didn’t expect Warrior can actually improve on last year’s debut home kit. (10)

Now, if only Reina’s goalkeeper was the actual away kit because…

Away Kit:

Oh we all know this by now…but OH MY FUCKING GOD IS THAT SPACE INVADERS GAME THERE!? What was Warrior thinking?? 3rd kit is just as bad.

I’m certain this has to be one of the top 10 worst away kits in Premier League history! (0)

Man City:

Home Kit:

Good start for Nike for the Citehs after ditching UMBRO. (8)

Away Kit:

Love the two-tone black here! I like the collar style too. (8.5)

Man Utd:

Home Kit:

THIS. IS. A. CLASSIC! As a collector of Man Utd kits this is certainly the best kit since the 2006/2007 kit. What’s so cool about this is not only the retro-feel to it, but the Eric Cantona tribute collar! (10)

It’s still not the best of all time though. Let that to the 1998/1999 kit.

Away Kit:

Ah, the tea towel’s back. Bigger gingham check. Not as cool as last season’s. (6.5)

Newcastle:

Home Kit:

I still hate this template, but at least it’s better than Cardiff. (5)

Away Kit:

Light blue trim makes it cool. This template, I like. (7)

Norwich:

Home Kit:

Doesn’t excite me much, but good effort from Errea nonetheless. (6)

Away Kit:

Same design as the home kit, but with the collar and black and white colours, which makes it slightly better. (6.5)

Southampton:

Home Kit:

Again, that template. If the white part of the kit were gold just like the logo and badge instead that would be nicer. (5)

Away Kit:

Where as I hate the “wing” like template on The Saints’ home kit, adidas’ other template (which is this one) is cool. It’s not just the black colours that do it for me, it’s the white logo (and a nice looking logo) that makes me feel this is the best adidas kit for the BPL this season.  (8)

Stoke CIty:

Home Kit:

Nothing wrong, but nothing great. (5)

Away Kit:

“Stoke Electri-City”?? Haha! If Stoke had the Newcastle away kit instead that’ll be more “electrifying!” (3)

Sunderland

Home Kit:

A bit more character to the otherwise standard template, especially the odd V-neck part. (6.5)

Away Kit:

Yea, OK. (5)

Swansea:

Home Kit:

Oh no! What happened to the League Cup Champions?? You guys had such an awesome kit last season! Yes it’s black and white…but it didn’t pull off for me! Could it be because of the sponsor’s logo? (5.5)

Away Kit:

WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS? I NO LIKE THE COLOUR COMBO! (2)

Tottenham:

Home Kit:

Wow! That’s classy! This is definitely better than last season’s kit. Though I wish HP would follow the same dark blue as the trims. (9)

Away Kit:

Now this is what Warrior needs to learn from Under Armour! (7)

WBA:

Home Kit:

It’s that template, but for some reason the purple box of sponsor gives it more love from me. (6)

Away Kit:

AC Milan? Colour scheme seems to work best for this template. (7)

West Ham:

Home Kit:

Surprisingly not bad at all. The collar and the colour combo makes it quite nice to look at. (7)

Away Kit:

Same goes to this. I think not putting another colour to the “wing” part of this template could be the reason why I’m giving a higher score. (7)

So here’s the final league positions based on the total score:

Club Home Away Total Tie Breaker (GK Kit)
Chelsea 10 10 20
Crystal Palace 9 8 17
Man City 8 8.5 16.5 9
Man Utd 10 6.5 16.5 6
Tottenham 9 7 16
Aston Villa 7.5 7.5 15
West Ham 7 7 14
Arsenal 7 6.5 13.5 9
Fulham 7 6.5 13.5 5
Southampton 5 8 13 6
WBA 6 7 13 5
Norwich 6 6.5 12.5
Newcastle 5 7 12
Sunderland 6.5 5 11.5
Hull 6 5 11
Everton 6 4 10 6
Liverpool 10 0 10 0
Stoke City 5 3 8
Swansea 5.5 2 7.5
Cardiff 2 2 4

Unsurprisingly, Chelsea is pretty much “The Invincibles” and wins the league by a perfect 20. Crystal Palace is definitely the surprise team for the season, followed by Aston Villa and West Ham. Man Utd would have the worst league position for the Premier League era, Tottenham is above Arsenal,  the teams from Merseyside barely survived relegation, and Stoke City, Swansea and Cardiff got relegated.

As the tie breakers, here’s the Goalkeeper kits for the tied teams:

Man City vs Man Utd

Man City:

I love the black kit! The green is just as good. (9)

Man Utd:

Sorry, those lines don’t work for me. I recalled this design was taken from last year’s training kit. (6)

Arsenal VS Fulham

Arsenal:

Black love! :3 I reckon the fans would like the purple as well. (9)

Fulham:

This was never my favourite colour. (5)

Southampton VS WBA

Southampton:

Nay for the highlighter green, but yay for the metallic grey one! (7)

WBA:

Oh come on adidas! (5)

So what do you think? Of course the table can’t possible be for real (as much as I cannot and will not support LIverpool, I do not believe they’re in relegation battle!). And as the saying goes… “One man’s meat is another man’s poison”; perhaps you might like the Liverpool away kit after all.

From all of this, I am happy to be able to write something like this after three years of unintentional delay!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: